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No Soup For You

9 Jul

I get into my car,

Drive the same streets

Stop at the same stop signs

Stop at the same lights

Turn at the same streets

Change lanes at the same place

This is my past, this is my future.

This is what expected, if not demanded,

Openness and vulnerability are not for men.

Men must be stoic and silent –

to do otherwise, to say how it appears, is “mean.”

Tomorrow

I will get into my car,

Drive the same streets

Stop at the same stop signs

Stop at the same lights

Turn at the same streets

Change lanes at the same place

This is my past, this is my future.

Happy Birthday – the card I will never send

7 Jul

Summer is birthday season. A large subset of people I know, mostly close family member, including my recently deceased mother and me, all have summer birthdays.  My mother is still active in my dreams; she gets irritated that she is no longer in control as she was in life and has said so. My sister has slipped into that position – she learned surprisingly well, or it could be a matriarchal thing. But this is not about them, it is about someone else, and if I am honest it is really about me and my inability to come to terms with the situation.

How can wishing someone a happy birthday cause such trouble. I cannot get this around my head; this is not how the world works. I just don’t understand. I know the axioms, the inputs and outputs.  I feel somewhat like the graduate student raised on classical Newtonian physicists thrusted into Quantum Mechanics. It makes no sense, but it works. Just shut up and calculate. Time to stop pondering why or at least typing about that part.

Back before the world changed, or when I was still hallucinating, I went to some minor effort to get her a special birthday card.  I’ll will come back to that later. I need to say she fooled me, not that was such a great accomplishment; I was a willing subject. I am not saying she is a bad person. If she was bad or evil, she could have really fucked me over.  Where is the fault? It is the stove’s fault if I burn my hand? Then again, she is not an inanimate object and she made choices, duplicitous choices, allowing me to believe she felt one way when the truth was another. But, as I said, I wanted to believe one thing and not the other.

Duplicity – that is too harsh, insincere – is more accurate but too harsh?  A false kindness with a variety on interpretations, the true meaning only exposed by a strong light that lay waste to the shadows of interpretation.  There is a folk etymology that sincere comes from sine cera – meaning without wax. The wax concealed imperfections/cracks in pottery. Introducing a hot liquid melted the wax revealing leaks. The cracks were always there, just obscured by her wax of pseudo-friendship.  Whether duplicity, insincerity or misguided kindness, the effects are equally eroding, gradually wearing away at me.

Well, here is the card I cannot send without feeling – humiliated .

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And here is how I went about getting it especially made just for here. I am obviously a loser. Might as well shout it from the roof tops.

From: jenny@thebloggess.com

Subject: Re: Just a reminder

Date: July 27, 2012 9:19:05 AM CDT

To: mousebert@gmail.com

It was definitely an easier life before all the tours and books and 60 hour weeks.

Yes, I understand.  I know it is not right but I liked it better when you were not so popular. But you deserve your accolades.

On Thursday, July 26, 2012, wrote:

It’s on my list but I’ve been so busy lately…

Jenny,

I like your new cards, but you appeared to have forgotten the Juanita Birthday card.

No rush. The person I was planning on sending the card to birthday is on August 8, but I don’t have the address. HA!

Take care and have fun in N. Texas at the convention. I grew up in Dallas, but a Big eye doll convention is not my cup of tea or bottle of beer, unless there is an open bar.

Aside

25 Jun

I am not sure how to title this.  So I will start – somewhere – and end somewhere else. Circular, spiral or linear, or even noncontiguous.

I know a person in whose view I can do no right, or more appropriately I know of a person …  She doesn’t like unsolicited advise;  with one of the major components of the definition of “unsolicited advise” is me saying anything to her pretty much about anything.

Now for the incident, or really a non-incident since nothing happened except me upsetting myself. (I will come back to that point later.)  While the next part may seem Monty Pythonish – being now for something completely different, it is related. I make connections. I am very good at it, seeing patterns and relationships and putting things on top of other things. This said, when skimming blogs, webpages, email, the internet in general, and I see something of interest , I will recall a friend or two who may be interested in the subject.  Bats are  an interest of several Twitter friends, therefore I frequently send out links about bats to these people.  It is no big deal, if they are not interested they may not even respond.  Yet, many seem grateful, or at least polite about it.

That should be enough of a foundation.  The other day, I was informed of a very good deal on stun guns, sort of like Tasers, but cheaper.  The thoughts ran through my tiny brain, who would be interested in this type of self-defense device?  I know of a young woman, going off to college in the big city; this may be very useful!

stun gun

That is when the proverbial shit hit the fan in my head.  I don’t believe it would be a major hyperbole to state her mother would rather die than for me to suggest her daughter take advantage of this deal – if the information came from me. That part of my mind that though it would be nice to let them know of this deal started being berated  by the logical part about how that was one of the most fucking stupid ideas I have ever had. It started reciting polemics of her subdued vitriol.  Words that superficially are not harsh but corrosive.  The truth is that there is no way I could directly present anything to her that she could and would not convolute into a negative. The most I could ever hope for is a neutral – like “We are not interested.”

Logic fortunately won, and I ignored the offer. I said nothing. I do wonder if others may have been interested, but I could not take the emotional risk that day.

So the question is “Why am I beating myself up?”  Why try even think about being nice and kind when she wouldn’t recognize my intent if it was delivered as a notarized deposition under penalty of perjury in a certified letter?  I need to stop this shit! I fear only death or dementia will free me.

Quote

A thought for the day

8 Feb

No good deed goes unpunished.
Clare Boothe Luce

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/clare_boothe_luce.html#fXq5mDEdlBe77yzi.99

Sometimes you got to be “Cruel to be Kind”

2 Nov

This song seems apropos (video – not so much, in fact it appears to be uncorrelated)

Later version by Letters to Cleo: 

Don’t Panic

31 Oct

Don’t Panic

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Ah, so easy to say – so difficult to do.

Panic

  1. Sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior.
  2. Any of a number of cereal and fodder grasses (Panicum and related genera) related to millet.

From the Greek god Pan, the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, nature.  It’s ironic that Arcadia is the home of panic.

Yesterday I had a paroxysm of anxiety – may be not a classical panic attack, but I felt gut-punched, my heart raced, my thoughts were in over-drive and I certainly didn’t know where my towel was. I know what set it off, it shouldn’t have; expected, but then again unexpected. The worse part is how totally drained I was afterwards, even thought the acute episode was just minutes possible seconds, its residual effect persisted; fatigue, reoccuring thoughts, hyper vigilance, dysphoria.

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As a means of control, I started doing some research, wait for it, on the internet. This one item really caught my eye:

Wikipedia Panic attack 
Lack of assertiveness — A growing body of evidence supports the idea that those that suffer from panic attacks engage in a passive style of communication or interactions with others. This communication style, while polite and respectful, is also characteristically un-assertive. This un-assertive way of communicating seems to contribute to panic attacks while being frequently present in those that are afflicted with panic attacks

And that is all I have to say about that for now.

 

Ghosting

23 Oct

Well Halloween is just around the corner and I have been thinking about spirits, ghouls and of course ghost. So I did a bunch of Googling terms and I came across the following.

Ghosting, there are several common usages, one is used for Craigslist ads vanishing and there are two other definitions that caught my eye, because they are emotionally contrary. One is joyful with spirit of playful mischief in the Halloween season and the other morose, with insolence for others.

The first Ghosting is where one surreptitiously leaves a bag of treats and a note on a neighbor porch informing them they have been ghosted and with instructions to ghost two more neighbors.

The other “Ghosting is the act of disappearing, leaving a relationship and a person without as much as a “by your leave,” much like a ghost that would vanish into thin air.”

I don’t have any experience with the first, but I do with the latter. A while back a person I know ‘pulled a goddamn Keyser Soze on me, and like that, she was gone.’

I paused at this point in writing – gave it a good thought and decided to delete the meandering feelings and just put down the basics.

  1. Confusion, guilt, void – What did I miss? What did I do? Ghost is a good word – haunted.
  2. Catch-22: If only I could open up a genuine honest communications, but that is exactly what the other is avoiding – so now I am the bad guy.
  3. Closure: There is none.

I my case, communication was just occasional emails; there are twitter friends who I have communicated more frequently, etc. But still –

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Now for other’s views:

“You’ve probably been ghosted at some point (I’m so sorry!) or maybe you were the ghoster (shame on you!). You may still be haunted by past ghostings. I know I am. Not because those ghosters were hard to get over, just because they pissed me off. There are many psychological reasons why an otherwise decent-ish person may ghost: cowardice, weakness of character, self loathing, narcissism, or pathological fear of hurting feelings. But are we going for decent? Don’t most of us want to be better than decent? But honestly, all of a ghoster’s justifications for their disappearing acts are irrelevant. Why they vaporized into thin air is not important. It’s the fact that they did.”

Abbreviated: Why you should not ghost

  • Ghosts are haunted.
  • Honesty is the best policy.
  • You risk getting a stalker if you ghost.
  • It’s a vicious cycle.
  • And if we are being honest here, we have to say that ghosting does not make anyone look like a nice, caring person.

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