Summer is birthday season. A large subset of people I know, mostly close family member, including my recently deceased mother and me, all have summer birthdays. My mother is still active in my dreams; she gets irritated that she is no longer in control as she was in life and has said so. My sister has slipped into that position – she learned surprisingly well, or it could be a matriarchal thing. But this is not about them, it is about someone else, and if I am honest it is really about me and my inability to come to terms with the situation.
How can wishing someone a happy birthday cause such trouble. I cannot get this around my head; this is not how the world works. I just don’t understand. I know the axioms, the inputs and outputs. I feel somewhat like the graduate student raised on classical Newtonian physicists thrusted into Quantum Mechanics. It makes no sense, but it works. Just shut up and calculate. Time to stop pondering why or at least typing about that part.
Back before the world changed, or when I was still hallucinating, I went to some minor effort to get her a special birthday card. I’ll will come back to that later. I need to say she fooled me, not that was such a great accomplishment; I was a willing subject. I am not saying she is a bad person. If she was bad or evil, she could have really fucked me over. Where is the fault? It is the stove’s fault if I burn my hand? Then again, she is not an inanimate object and she made choices, duplicitous choices, allowing me to believe she felt one way when the truth was another. But, as I said, I wanted to believe one thing and not the other.
Duplicity – that is too harsh, insincere – is more accurate but too harsh? A false kindness with a variety on interpretations, the true meaning only exposed by a strong light that lay waste to the shadows of interpretation. There is a folk etymology that sincere comes from sine cera – meaning without wax. The wax concealed imperfections/cracks in pottery. Introducing a hot liquid melted the wax revealing leaks. The cracks were always there, just obscured by her wax of pseudo-friendship. Whether duplicity, insincerity or misguided kindness, the effects are equally eroding, gradually wearing away at me.
Well, here is the card I cannot send without feeling – humiliated .
And here is how I went about getting it especially made just for here. I am obviously a loser. Might as well shout it from the roof tops.
Subject: Re: Just a reminder
Date: July 27, 2012 9:19:05 AM CDT
It was definitely an easier life before all the tours and books and 60 hour weeks.
Yes, I understand. I know it is not right but I liked it better when you were not so popular. But you deserve your accolades.
On Thursday, July 26, 2012, wrote:
It’s on my list but I’ve been so busy lately…
I like your new cards, but you appeared to have forgotten the Juanita Birthday card.
No rush. The person I was planning on sending the card to birthday is on August 8, but I don’t have the address. HA!
Take care and have fun in N. Texas at the convention. I grew up in Dallas, but a Big eye doll convention is not my cup of tea or bottle of beer, unless there is an open bar.