Raining. T’was hot and humid, moist. No, no – those were not the words he was looking for; sultry, it was sultry. Perspiration beaded up and trickle down his face; wiping it away in attempt to remain comfortable.
“Dammit, I could use a beer!” He pontificated murmuring.
“You could use a bear?”, a voice from behind him stated.
“Fuck! How the hell did you get in here!”, He blabber to the sultry redhead wearing a T-shirt 2 sizes too small and Daisy Dukes. Her deep blue eyes stared at his back.
“Through the door, how else would I get in here?”
“I want a cold beer – not bear!”
“A cold bear, like a polar bear not a warm bear like a brown bear?”
“Dammit woman a beer, beer! Not a bear, the only person I know who would want a bear isn’t anywhere near here, is she?”, he admonished her gravely.
“Don’t disparage me for your failure to enunciate.” she chided.
“Are we going to have an argument?”
“I don’t think so,” she stated, “an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. We’re having a fight.”
Swiveling briskly in his chair he turned to confront her. “Oh my Lord woman, you’re navigational hazard in that outfit. How, how – I thought that only happened in cold weather? You might blind somebody with those! I have no idea what I was thinking about.”
“Well there are other ways. It’s hot, you know; ever hear of ice cubes?”
“Ice cubes? Do you think that might – oh never mind. By the way, when it cools down you think…”
“In your dreams.” She laughed interrupting him.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. Bursting through the doorway dressed in a cockamamie 16th century garb, with a wide brim hat, gold loop earrings, beads in his beard. he swash buckled in yelling, “Avast ye nates, Who here be willing shiver me timbers? Fetch me rum -I need to wash me this salty crust of vast.” The Norwegian blue parrot rested quietly on his shoulder; he was probably asleep – and not dead. He turned to her and explained “How’d you like to see my plank?”
“Oh, I was wondering if that was your peg leg or if you were just glad to see me?”
“Well blow me – down, and make me Roger Jolly!”
“As far as you’re concerned, you’re sailing the horse latitudes. Your sheets be a bit flaccid and there be too many barnacles on the old rudder. This scabbard will never sheath yar cutlass. This porthole be barred.”
“Well then, route me to a neighborly lagoon where I may drop me anchor.”
“2 blocks down, 3rd house on the left; tell them Maggie sent to you.”
” Well then I’d be thankin’ ye, the cannon be loaded and I’m off to unload a broadside on a fine booty.”
With exasperation, he said, “now, do you think I can get back to my writing?”
“Well?” He stated.
You haven’t broken all the rules yet. You certainly need a prologue; not fractured there. And your gratuitous use of sexual innuendoes is, at best, sophomoric. ” She ended – still without turtles.
- Never open with weather.
- Avoid prologues.
- Never use a verb other than “said” to carry dialogue.
- Never use an adverb to modify the verb “said”…he admonished gravely.
- Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
- Never use the words “suddenly” or “all hell broke loose.”
- Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
- Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
- Don’t go into great detail describing places and things.
- Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.