That seems like a simple enough of a question. Then why am I having such problems with it? Well the problem is not so much that I do not know what a friend is, but I appear not to categorize them correctly. I have friends who I have known for decades that I don’t interact with as much as I would like too, but that I believe I could depend on. If I needed a place to stay, and I could get there, they would not turn me away; I could stay weeks, longer if need be –if I were a good guest. I am certain of them, but they are removed by time and distance.
Friends at work, with whom I talk, converse, share meals, but never interact with outside of the work environment. There are lots of reasons and excuses, live too far away, too little time, other commitments. These I know would be sympathetic to a plight, but how far would they go to intervene? How much effort would they make?
They run the spectrum from people I enjoy interacting with but I have no emotional connection, like someone you vaguely know and joke with; to those whom I have confided in or trusted. WOW! That last one was a real mistake. I am incapable of determining who is valid and who is just reciting the words. I also fail to see me as others see me. I want a certain response from others but it is like hitting a bad note while playing the piano, obvious from the results but not anticipated. I have to keep banging at the piano until the frowns disappear – but often that is too late.
One I thought was real regarded me as a mere acquaintance. An annoying one at that but her self-imposed duty to be kind precluded being forthright. As that song goes sometimes it is cruel to be kind. It ended on an ironic note: ‘I really worry about you. Now go away and never try to contact me again – forever!’ seems contradictory. Obviously there is more just than that contributing to my confusion. ‘We need peace, understanding, communicating – but you, go away. I am not interested in your story.’
Advise from another, ‘You are too blunt, people like subtlety.’ That sounds useful.
To another, a subtle expression of pain, totally oblivious, twice! A case of we see what we want to see with me being too subtle or was her reaction intentional? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? The world may never know.
Chastised while being told she does not chastise. Another thing I don’t get and I mean this as it may be out there and I am not seeing it, “all that we shared?” What do I really know about you? That phrase, but not just that one, is like shards tearing at my viscera when I move – I dare not move. What have I missed again? Where I sit, the exchange is unbalanced. I all but bled, you told me some, but they seemed relatively minor to mine. Did I look upon your megaliths and see only pebbles? Then my blindness is on par. Is there a difference? I think there is but I do not know anything for certain. I think the difference is I am constantly reminded of my blindness and I continually believe a friendship is at a different level than it really is, or – those who professes friendship to me are as blind as I, but don’t know it.
I thought certain friendships meant I could let down my guard, reveal my inner pain with its ugliness without being harshly judged – again, I was mistaken.
Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake
Friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait for the answer. ~Author Unknown