Thought I would give it a shot. Sat down to write. – It was there for a fleeting moment – I swear.
But now, it is gone, and I only have a nebulous clue. Something about being run over by a tank and how the experience is so very different for the driver versus the person under the tank. It’s a jumble, thoughts unclear. A minute ago I didn’t even recall that, now I am just staring at the page.
I recently came across this quote in another context – but it seems fitting for the moment
Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn’t it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you.
They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I hate love.