How to handle those annoying telemarketers calling in the evening. Need advise.

7 Sep

Jenny has a very nice comment about spam,  but what about phone spam. Even though I have signed up for those “Do not call list” and even had one of those devices that signals that your line is disconnected, I am still getting those call. So I would like to hear the techniques of how you handle them.

Seinfeld: “I’m sorry, I am busy at the moment. Listen, why don’t you give me your home number and I’ll call you back. – pause – You don’t want me calling you at home?  What makes you think I want you call me then?”

My mother: “ Go rot in hell you bastard!”

BTW, this is not a good one. They often call back and tell her to fuck off.

(Version 1)
Me: Hello
Caller:  Mr. Mousebert?
Me: Yes. (Suspiciously)
Caller: How are you doing tonight?
Me: Very well. Thank you for asking. (Hang up.)

(Version 2)
Me: Hello
Caller:  Mr. Mousebert?
Me: Yes. (Suspiciously)
Caller: (Starts spiel)
Me: (puts phone down – check in a few minutes, then hang up)

(Version 3)
Me: Hello
Caller:  Mr. Mousebert?
Me: Yes. (Suspiciously)
Caller: (Ask support of for blood bank)
Me: I give at the office. (I really do. I work at a hospital.)
Alternate if I am feeling like a jackass: I thought active malaria was a contraindicated for donating blood. (Fill-in your blood borne disease of choice. AIDS, Hepatitis A-E, leishmaniasis)

(Version 4)
Me: Hello
Caller:  Mr. Mousebert?
Me: No. This is Detective Larson of the *** Police department, Homicide. How long have you known the deceased and when was the last time you spoke to him? (Ad-lib)

(Version 5)
Me: Hello
Caller:  Mr. Mousebert?
Me: Yes. (Suspiciously)
Caller: Is Mrs. Mousebert at home” (Variant) Can I speak to Mrs. Mousebert.

  1. Me: No.
  2. Me: Who is calling?
    Caller: (Provides ID)
    Me: (Goes looking and never finds her)
  3. Me: Are you the fucking bastard that has been having an affair with my wife? I am going to track you down and …(Usually has hung up by now.)
  4. Me: My wife was (killed in a car accident) (ran off with her lesbian partner) (etc) Thank you for reminding me.

So what are your favorite snarky retorts?


2 Responses to “How to handle those annoying telemarketers calling in the evening. Need advise.”

  1. AnonymousPunchingBag September 7, 2010 at 8:43 pm #

    I’m w your mom!

  2. Firehorse September 8, 2010 at 4:29 am #

    As I have in the past done telesales, I know that it is a thankless job which usually is done by people who are desperately trying to get any other job at all so I am usually polite – a very fast “I’m sorry I am really busy/this is a very bad time/I don’t buy over the phone and hang up but recently I had a killer one – a call centre somewhere in India called me – gentleman who was obviously had English as a second language (and kudos – if I could speak Hindi or Urdu that well I’d be very proud) asked if I were interested in supporting the BNP (which is a very far right political party which believes England should be for the English and anyone who is Jewish or of any other ethnic origin should “go back where they came from”), I was so stunned I made him repeat it 3 times – before outrage kicked in (I am pretty much the opposite of their target market, politically)then I said a polite but firm “No, I’m an NOT interest in supporting the BNP” – when asked why not I said that I don’t support racists and hung up rather abruptly. I then had a rather long WTF moment.

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