I’m in a pensive mood. Maybe I’m just tired-I don’t know. I’m also somewhat anxious/paranoid. Things are going too well tonight. Usually when I’m on-call I am constantly being paged and cannot get, well pretty much not get anything done. Just got my first page of the evening. I hope a light evening doesn’t portend a busy post midnight.
About my mood, when I’m like this the slightest thing can set me off. Not that I get mad or angry, I just all of a sudden become blue as in disposition not skin tone. I said something tonight that was misunderstood. It was clear it up right away, but it still bothers me. Interestingly I’m able to compartmentalize a great many events in my life. This past fall when one friend died, another was having cancer surgery and a third told me he is HIV positive, I was able to exclude them from my thoughts and perform my job. Not that I totally removed them, but just temporarily buried them. The emotions associated with these events were still there but I was able to control them. People were depending on me and if I couldn’t do my job they would be the ones who were hurt. The emotions aren’t gone and they can be brought to the surface by the slightest of triggers. That appears to be what happened tonight.
A while back an incident occurred, a misinterpretation of the events from my perspective. From the other person’s perspective it is different. I don’t understand that person’s perspective but it certainly cannot be the same as mine otherwise I would not be writing this down. I have had time to think about the event. Initially I blamed myself but in retrospect it is really more about the other person than about me. Even though it is over, I surprise myself tonight by the anger I felt. I was treated unfairly; not allowed to present my side of the issue. It was certainly within that person’s prerogative to behave that way. I was very upset at the time but what angers me now are the subsequent events. I made myself a promise that no matter what else that person did, I would not say anything negative about them. I wish that person had made the same promise. (This is pushing the limit so I’m going to stop.)